40 yrs

“Today it ends, I can’t continue being here. Yes that’s extremely selfish but after 40 years of this I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve spent 40 yrs living this life, how they say I’m supposed to be. This is not me it never was me.” Thomas thought as he sat in his kitchen. This was a fight his wrestled with many a night. His son sits across from him and his wife stands over him, helping the boy with his homework. She notices Thomas looking at them both and smiles. He smiles back not, trying not to betray the thoughts and the blackness that’s hanging over his head and in his heart.

“40 years, I knew I wasn’t like other guys but how could I ever tell anyone, How could I break my mother’s heart, how could I let the family, the community down” Thomas took another drink and smiled. After years of pretending he’d learned to wear the mask well but now today, tonight he knew he could no longer continue to do so. His road was at an end. This was what he felt in his heart. Tonight would bring an end to what felt like an eternity of torment.

“Dad come pray with me and mom” came the voice from up the stairs. Thomas didn’t really want to go because he felt doing so tonight more than any other night would taint that prayer. He started up the stairs, it felt like a death march. It felt like the end.

12:30 A.M.

He waited till everyone was asleep and left the letter. He knew she’d be hurt and his son would be devastated but it was the only thing he felt he could do. They didn’t ask to be in this situation and they’d be better off with him in there lives. ” See there you go again being selfish but you know this time your being selfish for the right reasons” or so he thought trying to convince himself but deep down he knew the truth. They’d be taken care of, he made sure of that. So he left walking out the door never to return.

A son, a young man wakes up to a devastated world and a broken heart. A mother a wife her world shattered but she must carry on for the son. A husband forced to carry the burden of depression alone. Never able to speak of his demons because he’d be taught this was wrong, no longer here to love her and raise him.